It can be so difficult as a parent to separate our own emotions from our children's. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels extreme discomfort when my child is in pain or struggling with something. It is so automatic and tempting to jump in and fix everything immediately, including their emotions. How many times have you said, "its ok, its ok, don't cry, it'll be fine?" I know I have. But let's talk about why its worth letting them cry and fully experience their feelings.
Becoming well aware of our own body's emotional experiences is a gift. We have emotions in order to guide us through life. Anger, guilt, and shame all serve purposes in our life. When recognized and felt through, we can see that emotions aren't scary, won't be there forever, and shouldn't be whisked away quickly. Guilt can direct us towards doing something differently in the future. Joy shows us what our essential self wants. Anger leads to higher standards for how we and others are treated. Physical pain is protective. It is a built-in boundary that tells us when we have pushed our bodies too hard, or done something that is dangerous for our health.
So why do we want to immediately jump in and remove all negative emotions from our children's lives? We know how uncomfortable it feels to be sad, intensely frustrated, or ashamed. So we naturally want to help someone else not feel those things. But in the long-run, we can cause more harm than good by our seemingly caring actions of saying "don't cry, here, let's get you something to eat." Telling a child not to cry is telling them that having negative emotions and processing those emotions in their bodies is unacceptable. Giving them something to quickly distract them from their negative emotions can lead to a lifelong habit of reaching for food or pleasure anytime a negative emotion appears. This can set your child up with a long struggle with weight or spending.
Another reason we want to jump in and swiftly remove all struggle is because we want to make ourselves feel better. When I see my child sad, ashamed, or crying, I personally feel anxiety, sadness, and insecurity as a parent. Its important to identify and manage your own emotions when your child is having big feelings. Try not to act out of wanting your own emotions to be immediately lifted. Allow them to have their feelings, and you to have yours. Really refrain yourself from giving both of you immediate gratification at the expense of longterm lessons and skills.
So what can we do when our children are in pain? Sit with them. Give them physical contact if they are open to that. Hug them, sit them on your lap, squeeze them. Honor their emotions as valid and valuable. Say things like "Its so normal to feel this way." "I can understand how you feel that way." "Would you like to tell me more?" Or say nothing. Just sit with them. Be with them. Let it take as long as it takes. And manage your discomfort over their discomfort.
Doing this will allow your children to see that
They can feel an emotion all the way through and it won't harm them
All emotions are normal
They don't need candy, ice cream, or a new purchase to get through an emotion
They can learn over time to trust themselves to regulate their own emotions
Their emotions hold great wisdom and will help direct them moving forward
In The Conscious Parent, Shefali Tsabary, PhD, says "Once our children learn to accept pain as a natural and inevitable part of life, they don't fear it so much, but simply acknowledge, 'I'm in pain right now.' Instead of intellectualizing about it, judging it, or resisting, they sit with it. We teach them this by sitting with them when they are young. If they need to talk, they will talk, and all that's required from us is the acknowledgement of a nod, or a statement such as 'I see.' There's no need for logic, cheerleading, or hurrying through the eexperience. Just allow it a space in your home."
As always, Brene Brown says it best in her "Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto," she states "Together we will cry and face fear and grief. I will want to take away your pain, but instead I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it." You can download a beautiful copy of her manifesto here: https://brenebrown.com/art/the-wholehearted-parenting-manifesto/
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