"I'm allergic to exercise."
"I'm always a dollar short and a day late."
"I never miss a meal."
"I'm a meat and potatoes kind of person."
"I'm not a good student."
"I can't carry a tune."
"I don't travel well."
"I'm not a good driver."
"I have two left feet."
"I'm not mechanically minded."
"I have no sense of direction."
"I'm not good with kids."
"I'm always the one who gets sick."
"If it's going to happen to anyone, it's going to happen to me."
What sentence to you often think or say, or hear other people say about you? Do you recognize any of these statements? Can you come up with your own? All of these seem innocent enough. They may even seem deeply true to you. But these seemingly benign little stories we tell about ourselves keep us stuck, playing small, unwilling and unable to try new things, feeling criticized and judged, and are absolute self-fulfilling prophecies.
Why do we say these things? Why do we keep ourselves stuck?
First of all, we may think they are 100% true. You may have a lot of evidence to show this has been true for you. You may have other people who believe these things about you. But really ask yourself - is this true? Do I have any evidence to show that this might not always be true, or no longer is true? Do I want this to not be true anymore?
Secondly, it makes all of us feel a bit more in control of our world when we put ourselves and each other in nice tidy boxes. There is comfort in routine and predictability. By telling one of these stories, you can safely stay in your zone. "No thanks, I don't eat sushi." "No, I'm not a good dancer." But what if you suddenly find yourself with the opportunity to sign up for a tap dance class or an Asian cooking class, and you might actually be interested? If you have consistently told yourself and others these little stories, more than likely you will be held back from signing up.
Thirdly, we often tell a self-deprecating story about ourselves before someone else can point something out which is a tender pain point. If we say it first, no one else can poke fun at us. However, this just serves to solidify our undesired position. If you show up to a party and say "I'm always the first in line for the food, what are we having??" - you will pile your plate high and overeat again.
Fourth, we default to having a fixed mindset over a growth mindset. The belief that our characteristics and qualities are unchangeable is a "fixed mindset". A "growth mindset" is the belief that we can continue to grow and change over time. According to Carol Dweck PhD, author of Mindset: The New Psychology of Success (2007), “a belief that your qualities are carved in stone leads to a host of thoughts and actions, and...a belief that your qualities can be cultivated leads to a host of different thoughts and actions, taking you down an entirely different road.”
So ask yourself:
What story am I telling about myself?
Is this story in some way harmful to me? Is it keeping me stuck?
Is it even true? Do I still want this to be true?
Can I give up just a little control and be open to the unknown? Can I be willing to experience something new? Can I be willing to joyfully fail?
Am I trying to avoid criticism from others? Can I just simply not say anything? Can I just quietly unsubscribe from others comments about this topic?
Can I embrace the belief that I am fully capable of growth and change?
You have the absolute power to change your life, your definition of yourself, your habits, and your social connections at any point. Others will adjust and will overwhelmingly celebrate you. Its yourself you have to convince first.
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