What is failure? The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines failure as the “inability to perform a function.”
Failure is:
One attempt at doing something
Simply information
An opportunity to grow
Necessary
Just not that big of a deal
Failure is not:
Guaranteed with the next attempt
Who you are
Failure is a normal and necessary part of early development. Watch a toddler learning to talk, walk, or hold a spoon and you will see multiple episodes of “inability to perform a function.” Watch a small child attempt to cross the monkey bars, ice skate, ski, or play the piano and you will see many, many failed attempts. Wouldn’t it be weird if we put skis on a 4 year old and watch her gracefully speed down a black diamond hill? Or place a 6 year old at the piano for the first time and watch him perfectly play Rachmaninoff? How do children react to these multiple failed attempts? Most of the time, they simply just try again.
But somehow along the way we come to expect something entirely different from ourselves. Somewhere in our transition to adulthood – middle school? High school? – we become much more self-conscious and fearful of failing. We start to make it mean all sorts of things about ourselves if after one or two attempts we aren’t successful at something. The fear of feeling temporary embarrassment or shame will keep us from engaging in things we may really love. I was recently at a life coaching conference where the speaker (Brooke Castillo) asked: "When you put yourself out there, what are you exposing yourself to? Your own emotions.” We think we are fearful of what other people will say or think about us. What we are really fearful of is feeling the emotion of embarrassment, shame, or guilt. By recognizing, naming, and processing our emotions, we can free ourselves to live bigger lives.
Ironically, my favorite people to be around are those that maintain the childlike state of zero cares when it comes to attempting something new. How fun is your friend who absolutely can’t dance but enthusiastically gets the group going? Or family members who host a gathering when the house isn’t perfect and a new attempt at a recipe resembles something from the show Nailed It? The best, right?
JK Rowling was turned down by TWELVE publishers before Bloomsbury accepted and published her books. She now has an estimated net worth of $1 Billion (with a B). Lainey Wilson auditioned for American Idol SEVEN times and never made it past the first round. In 2022 and 2023 she has been the most nominated singer for the Country Music Awards. This year she is nominated for NINE awards. Tom Brady was not selected until the SIXTH round of the 2000 NFL Draft. Wikipedia describes him as “a lightly regarded prospect coming out of college.” He now owns SEVEN super bowl rings. There are many examples of this. Just ask your contractor, your dentist, or your child’s dance instructor how many attempts it took to get proficient at what he or she does. In fact, the only people who become truly great at what they do have just persistently and stubbornly kept trying after many less successful attempts.
So embrace failure. Recognize it as just one attempt. Ask yourself what the lesson is if you try and do not meet your expectations the first time. Recognize that to achieve greatness, you must befriend failure. Process the emotions that accompany failed attempts, and then try, try again.
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