You can think of your person as divided into the essential self and the social self. Happiness and fulfillment requires a balance of each.
The essential self is your most unique and true self which was evident even at a young age. It guides you towards your likes, dislikes, true desires, comforts, talents, and wisdom. What did you enjoy as a child? When have you been your most free and happy self? When have you lost track of time doing something? When have you had an inexplicable desire to buy an instrument, take a road trip, pick up a basketball, or read a certain book? Those desires are guiding you towards your essential self.
The social self is the learned behaviors and face we put forth to make ourselves more palatable to others. This includes potty training, learning how to eat with silverware, learning how to drive a car safely amidst other traffic, follow laws, and pay taxes. There is a necessary and vital role played by the social self. We all must learn to live as harmoniously as possible amongst other humans. It’s what keeps us out of prison and from stabbing a relative in the eye over Thanksgiving dinner. The social self is also, however, what guides us to “say the right thing”, date the person our friends approve of, take the more prestigious soul-sucking job, eat the slice of pie Aunt Mary made even if you’re stuffed, or have two children, a dog, and a mortgage while dreaming of living in a van down by the river.
Have you found yourself at some time in your life looking around thinking “there’s nothing really wrong with my life, but I’m just not happy?” Or “I’m living someone else’s life.” Or “Life is living me.” If any of these or similar thoughts are cropping up, then it may be time to reacquaint yourself with your essential self.
Take time to sit and recall the most happy moments in your life. These can be big or small. The café you sat in that just seemed right. The book you read as a freshman that really spoke to you. Eating Indian food for the first time. That conversation you had at an airport with that really interesting person. Fishing with your grandpa as a child. How at peace you were when you were running, knitting, reading, or involved in a club. What interests do you want to explore? Who do you really connect with? What podcast, book, music, or sport do you gravitate towards? Do you like quiet or noise? Do you like being alone or surrounded by people?
The first step is recognizing the difference between these two aspects of yourself. The second step is identifying what your true self desires, then unapologetically and courageously pursuing those things. The third step is finding a way to mesh your social self with your essential self in a harmonious balance. I promise you if you continue to make micro-movements towards your essential self’s true desires, you will have a huge boost in joy and fulfillment.
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