It only takes one person to improve a troubled relationship. And spoiler alert, its not the other person! Any difficult relationship, whether it is with a spouse, child, family member, friend, or co-worker is composed of the thoughts, feelings, and actions of the two people involved. It is never entirely one sided. When friction develops however, it is common nature for each of us to start to blame the other. As more friction develops, we start to generalize to “always” and “never” thinking. And as friction continues, we focus only on the negative things the other person says and does and conveniently fail to appreciate the positives.
So how do we turn this well-worn pattern of negative thinking around? How can we start to improve a really frustrating relationship? Give the following a try. Let’s work through an example of a troubled relationship with a co-worker. Ask yourself the following questions and write down the answers.
How would I like to show up as an ideal co-worker/colleague/boss/employee? How do I want others to view me? What are my best attributes when I show up fully as my ideal self? List all of these.
On my worst days, how do I show up? What are my cringe-worthy characteristics? What would I like to take back? Be honest with yourself. No one else needs to see this list. List these, then list the OPPOSITE of these.
Think of the coworker/colleague/boss/employee you are currently in conflict with. What are the things that just absolutely drive you crazy about them? List all of their annoying and frustrating characteristics. Then list the OPPOSITE of these.
What are the ideal characteristics you’d like to see in a coworker/colleague/boss/employee? Who would be your dream person? List all of these characteristics.
Combine your four lists. There will be overlap. Whittle the master list down to 3-5 key characteristics.
Then - the most important thing - YOU show up as all of those things. YOU come to work practicing those best, most ideal behaviors. Sit back and watch how your relationship(s) will change.
The above template can be changed to spouse, parent, friend, etc. Of course, healthy relationships involve communication, expression of needs and wants, boundaries, and reciprocation. And there is no amount of maximizing yourself or the situation that will improve an abusive relationship. But in relationships with otherwise reasonable people that have taken a negative turn, give this a try as a tool in your overall approach. When we think “Joe is not a team player. He is such a taker”, then we retreat and become less willing to collaborate with Joe. When we think our spouse never shows emotion, we increasingly shut down our own show of emotions. We end up exhibiting the same characteristics that are so maddening to us. So add a little warmth to the cold war. Do it just for yourself. Honor your ideal version of yourself and really show up, knowing you brought your best. This will almost always lead to a huge improvement in your troubled relationship.
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