It’s All Optional

It’s so easy to fall into “I have to” mode. How many times a day do each of us say “I have to?” I have to work, pick up my kids, take my relative to the doctor, attend a meeting, volunteer, mow the lawn, do the laundry, go school shopping, you name it. We all do it. And we all believe it. We have to! I even say this in my mind as I’m going through my day and my to-do list. First I have to, then I have to…

But do we? Absolutely not. It’s all optional. It’s all a to-do list of our own making. This is relevant in two ways. One obvious, one less obvious but quite powerful.

The first reminder about the I Have To list that we all need to hear is that it is ok to decrease your obligations. Aerate your schedule. Don’t immediately say yes to everything. When asked if you can see extra patients, bring cookies to the school function, mow your kid’s lawn, just pause. Say something like “let me look at my schedule and get back to you.” Don’t immediately say yes if you are feeling overextended. Pause, then agree only to the things you feel you are able to do and would like to do. The better technology has gotten at making us all more efficient, the more we just add into our schedules. Coordinating snacks for a group used to entail several phone calls. Now we do a group text, set a reminder on our phone, and put in an online order. Done! But what have we filled all that saved time with? More tasks. More driving, more emails, more work. More, more, more. Behold the power of the pause. Think about it before saying yes.

The second way to look at this is less obvious but very powerful. Truly everything we do is optional. A common thing everyone complains about is work. Listening to ourselves and those around us is a constant complaint stream of work related tasks. But ask yourself – do you want the opposite? Do you want to not have your job? The answer is probably no. Most people do in fact want to keep their current job. They may enjoy it on some level but have gotten into the habit of complaining about coworkers. Or they don’t much enjoy the day-to-day tasks of work but value the income and the health insurance. Either way, the job is bringing value. In some circumstances, the answer to that question may be yes, I do want the alternative. I want a different job, or I want to retire early and work on my birdhouse collection. Then do it. Make that decision and start taking empowered action toward that goal. If indeed you do want to keep your current job, then recognize you are choosing it. “I am choosing to go to work,” or simply “I am going to work.” “No, I’m sorry, I am working that weekend.”

People also love to complain about all the home obligations. “I have to pick up my kids, then take them to soccer practice, then make dinner.” Do you want the alternative? You really don’t have to pick up your kids. There are people in the world who don’t. I’m confident that if you are reading a life coaching blog, you are not one of those people. That in fact, you would do anything to make sure your kids are safe and well cared for. And it is important to you that your kids are engaged in activities and are indeed being fed. Now can you limit the activities and make your life easier by doing an alternative dinner? Absolutely. Refer to the above paragraph. But if you truly do want to be the one to greet your children after school, if you value seeing them participate in activities they enjoy, and you value creating a nutritious meal for your family, then remember all of those things are choices. “I choose to pick up my kids, take them to soccer, then cook dinner.” Or when asked what you’re up to after work, simply say “Oh I’ll pick up the kiddos, watch them play soccer, then we’ll have dinner.” Notice the difference in that sentence. These are all choices. And these choices reflect your true values. It’s ALL optional.

Let’s go through another example. “I have to take my uncle to the cardiologist.” Did you agree to this out of a feeling of guilt or obligation? Would it be overall better for you to work that day? Can you arrange for a safe, reliable alternative? Then from a place of empowerment, make those alternative arrangements. Or if you do not like the alternative (someone else taking your uncle to the cardiologist, or your uncle not going to his appointment), then recognize you are choosing to be the one to take him because you value your time together, you value being informed of his health status, and you value his health. You are choosing to take your uncle to the cardiologist based on your values.

All the “I have tos” that run through our minds during the day become a larger reflection of our values. What we think we want is to sit with a bowl of ice cream and watch reality tv for days on end. What we really want are activities that bring us purpose and fulfillment, high quality relationships, financial stability, and contentment. If some items on your list are just taking up space, then just don’t do them. But if the items are things that indeed you want to do, then recognize you are choosing them.

This simple shift can change your entire day. It can change how you view your workday as you drive to work, how you interact with your family members after a long day, and how you start to prioritize your time. I choose to. Its ALL optional.