Let’s review the self-coaching model. Circumstances occur in our lives. These are the neutral facts of any situation. We then have thoughts about those circumstances. Our thoughts cause feelings in our bodies. Those feelings direct our actions (the things we do or do not do). Accumulated actions or non-actions lead to overall results in our lives.
A sneaky subconscious thought we all have about our circumstances is “Its not supposed to be this way!” We often don’t recognize we are thinking this, but it shows up in many different ways. A diagnosis: “How is this happening? I’ve done everything right! I’m not supposed to have this illness.” A family member: “Why does she always have to say those things? Seriously, everyone would agree with me. She’s not supposed to act that way!” A boss or manager: “He is so demanding and rude. It creates a hostile work environment. Work isn't supposed to be this way.” Your past: “I was doing well until I experienced the trauma of losing someone close to me. Since then I’ve really struggled with my weight and ambition. It wasn’t supposed to be this way for me.”
I think we can all see ourselves in those examples, or in something similar. Just pay attention to how often those “Its not supposed to be this way” thoughts grind away. My answer to that is…so what? We cannot know how things were or are supposed to be. Some people believe everything is pre-destined, or everything happens as it should, or everything happens for a reason. Some life coaches say “Do you know how to tell if it was supposed to be this way? Because it is this way.” If any of those beliefs help you, by all means use them. I would just say it doesn’t even matter. It doesn’t matter if something was supposed to or not supposed to happen in the way that it did. Its done now, and NOW WHAT? If we perseverate on the injustice of something having happened, we take all of our energy away from being our best in the present moment, and from moving forward. From dealing with what needs to be done to change the system, heal, improve, self-reflect, take ownership, make phone calls, make a will, make a move.
It's completely disempowering to live in the confusion, sadness, and anger of how you think things should have been or how people should have treated you. Take your power back and say, “ok, that happened. Now what will I do?” Gently come back to yourself and your own agency. Come to the present moment and slowly release that tangled mess of thoughts. Then start to shift toward the future. What can you do to start moving forward, to set boundaries with that family member, to decide whether this job is worth the stress, to get all your ducks in a row to provide yourself with everything you need as you go through chemotherapy, to bring awareness to society? Shift from “Its not supposed to be this way” to “Ok that happened, now what?” How am I going to show up? What can I do differently next time? How can I be my strongest, best self? What are the thoughts that I need to be thinking to give me a feeling of peace or hope or motivation?
Simply becoming aware of this common thought and gently re-directing can relieve unnecessary suffering and move you forward in such a positive direction.
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