Something we all need to be reminded of from time to time is how to dust ourselves off, buck up, and shake off victim mentality. We all go through periods of feeling deeply sorry for ourselves and wondering why things keep happening to us. This post is not intended for those who are processing trauma or grief. If you are in that current situation, I absolutely recommend seeking professionals who are trained in those areas to give you all the support you need. This post is directed at all of us undergoing the day-to-day ups and downs of regular life.
A core tenant of life coaching is taking full ownership of our thoughts, feelings, and actions. Then making small tweaks to those things to direct our lives toward more happiness, health, and fulfillment. Taking full ownership means assessing a situation, recognizing the factual circumstances, and then recognizing all the ways in which we interpret and react to those circumstances. What are we making things mean? How can we turn around what we initially see as a negative situation into something that is less negative, neutral, or even beneficial?
Let’s review the self-coaching model. Circumstances (neutral facts) occur in our lives. We have immediate often subconscious thoughts about those circumstances. Our thoughts, story, or interpretation of the circumstances cause feelings in our bodies. Those thoughts and feelings lead us to take particular actions or inactions. A collection of actions or inactions leads to overall results in our lives.
When something seemingly negative happens, the first step is to zoom out and break it down into its neutral facts. Then identify the story we are telling about those facts. Often there is a recurring thought driving our reaction. This is the point of intervention. Ask yourself what equally believable slightly different thought can you insert? The new or slightly different thought must be equally believable to you. Throwing in a positive affirmation that you are not buying will not work. Let’s go through an example. On your way to work, you encounter a car crash that is blocking traffic. This causes you to be fifteen minutes late to work. You start thinking “things always happen to me! Why do things always happen to me?!” This leads you to become increasingly anxious and your mind finds all the other recent times that things seemingly happened to you to put you in a predicament. You then start your day dejected, disempowered, and fearful. Now let’s work on that thought. By simply changing the thought to “things happen,” can you feel a difference in your body? “Things happen” is believable but slightly different from “things always happen to me.” Things happen leads to a feeling of acceptance. This will lead you to take different small actions than a feeling of anxiety. Imagine the two different ways you personally would show up to work thinking these two different thoughts.
Arianna Huffington, author of “Thrive,” suggests replacing the question “why is this happening to me” with “how is this happening for me?” What good could come from this? How will this make me a slightly different and better version of myself? When everything is reframed through the lens of how this is happening for me, we become ever stronger and more empowered.
A couple years ago a friend of mine set a resolution for a time to never allow himself to feel sorry for himself. He described it as very powerful. I’ve thought about that often since. How often during the day do we have these tiny whiny thoughts of “I’m so tired!” “I have too much to do.” “I don’t feel like it!” “Why?” “Ugh.” “Of course they’re making me do that.” “I’m always the one who has to…” “Am I the only one who knows how to (insert your favorite here…load the dishwasher, pick up the dirty clothes, turn off the lights, etc).” Immediately short circuit those thoughts. Try taking a day, a week, or a month, and just NOT ALLOWING any victimy whiny thoughts. You will change.
Take full ownership of your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Make small tweaks to your thoughts to lead you down a slightly different path of feelings and actions. Don’t blame, don’t feel sorry for yourself. It may lead to a profound difference in how you experience the world. Staying in victim mentality will absolutely limit your dreams, goals, and results. A far bigger life is available when we recognize everything is happening for us, not to us.
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