My previous blog post discussed buffering negative emotions. A natural subsequent topic, then, involves what to do instead with those negative emotions. This isn’t necessarily specific to negative emotions. It can be used for all “big feelings," as they are referred to in my daughter’s awesome little elementary school. If you are interested in breaking a pattern of buffering, you must learn to identify, feel, and think through an emotion. How does one do this?
What:
When you are overwhelmed with an emotion, a reaction, or an urge to eat, shop, or drink, simply stop and become aware. Ask yourself what the one key emotion is you are experiencing. Often there is a stew of emotions and thoughts and reactions occurring, but honing in on the primary one is beneficial. Find the one that really resonates. Then name it. Say it out loud or just to yourself: “this is anger.” “I am experiencing anger.” “My body is feeling anger.” “Hello, anger.” You can just say over and over like a meditation “this is anger.” Identifying it and naming it helps to give yourself a bit of distance from it.
Where:
Locate where the feeling manifests in your body. Do you feel it in your jaw? Your shoulders? Your chest? Your stomach? Identify the location in your body and the type of sensation. “This is anger. I’m feeling a tightness in my chest.” “This is anxiety. I’m feeling aching in my shoulders.”
Why:
What resulted in this feeling? At first we are tempted to blame the circumstance as we learn this exercise. Road construction, an employee calling in sick to work, your child’s meltdown on the way out the door. But remember, the circumstance is not what causes emotions for us. It is the intervening thought we have about the circumstance that leads to the emotion. The thought is sometimes as simple as “they’re not supposed to do that! It’s not supposed to be this way.” Start to identify your interpretation, perception, or thought about factual circumstances. What thought is your brain choosing that is causing you pain?
How Long:
Our conscious or subconscious fear of negative emotions is if we allow ourselves to feel them, we will drown in them. They will intensify and we won’t be able to function or find our way out. In fact, the opposite is true. In the book My Stroke of Insight, Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor describes the physiological lifespan of an emotion lasting 90 seconds. The bodily sensations that accompany an emotion (heat, tightness, pressure, change in heart rate) will start, rise, and dissipate in 90 seconds. As intolerable as it can seem, the intensity will only last 90 seconds. Of course, this may come in waves, but the key thing to remember is each physiologic negative emotion is temporary. Far more pain will result in your life in the long run by constantly trying to cover up, ignore, or push down negative emotions than will be caused by fully feeling them in the moment.
When:
Learning to process and manage negative emotions is a lifelong process. This is not something you will read once and know how to do. Buddhist monks spend their lives achieving a level of placid observation of negative emotion. The first step is reading about it and considering the process. The next step is starting to think about it after the next time you’ve reacted strongly in a situation. Go back through and just recognize what was going on for you. The next step is recognizing what’s going on at the time but still allowing yourself to react. And finally, with time and practice, you will be able to pause and process before the typical reaction.
Just recently I found myself eating a giant cupcake following a long and difficult conversation. As I marinaded in sugar, I started to recognize what was happening and why. I still buffered. But I’m making progress.
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