Perhaps the most important contributor to happiness and longevity is strong connections.
In my last blog post, I mentioned the Blue Zones, Dan Buettner’s study of the regions of the world with the highest concentration of centenarians. Strong interpersonal connections constituted two of the nine shared tendencies of these long-living communities. The first came in the form of “putting loved ones first”:
"Successful centenarians in the blue zones put their families first. This means keeping aging parents and grandparents nearby or in the home (It lowers disease and mortality rates of children in the home too.). They commit to a life partner (which can add up to 3 years of life expectancy) and invest in their children with time and love (They’ll be more likely to care for you when the time comes)."
The second tendency highlighting interpersonal connections in regards to its importance for longevity was finding the “right tribe”:
"The world’s longest lived people chose–or were born into–social circles that supported healthy behaviors. Okinawans created ”moais”–groups of five friends that committed to each other for life. Research from the Framingham Studies shows that smoking, obesity, happiness, and even loneliness are contagious. So the social networks of long-lived people have favorably shaped their health behaviors."
The Harvard Study of Adult Development, a longitudinal study that has followed a cohort of men since 1938, shows “the key to healthy aging is relationships, relationships, relationships.”
“'Our relationships and how happy we are in our relationships has a powerful influence on our health,' said Robert Waldinger, director of the study and professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. ‘Taking care of your body is important, but tending to your relationships is a form of self-care too.’ Close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives. Those ties protect people from life’s discontents, help to delay mental and physical decline, and are better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ, or even genes. The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80. ‘Loneliness kills,’ he said. ‘It’s as powerful as smoking or alcoholism.’”
So what does this mean for you?
If you already have a tribe, excellent! Prioritize time with your people. Tell them how you feel about them. Bring your best self and full attention to those relationships. Make a date night with your significant other. Make a date day with your children. Call your people. Be vulnerable with them. Support them and let them support you. When we list our values, we commonly list our family and friends. But when we do a retrospective analysis of how we actually spent our time over the preceding couple weeks, our time spent doesn’t always reflect this. Make sure the things and people you are spending your time on reflect your true values.
If you are struggling to find your tribe, you are not alone. We all go through seasons of life when we have to put in some effort to find our people. Here are a few tips. Find some type of group or club that reflects an interest of yours. Medieval history, woodworking, or crepe-making. Register for a class. Find your interest group. Find a faith or spirituality group. Find your gym or your coffee shop. My little neighborhood gym is my personal Cheers - everyone knows each other’s names. It gives a boost to my whole day.
Accept your people AS THEY ARE. Just love them. Many interpersonal conflicts come from wanting others to consistently behave differently. If you are raising children, of course you must set behavioral expectations. And having adult conversations when the inevitable intermittent conflict arises is healthy for strong honest connections. Just be careful not to put your close relationships at risk by passively-aggressively and subconsciously being frustrated that your person is just not who you want them to be. Love your people. As. They. Are.
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